Scattered . . .

I was going through something on my way to work today. I got to thinking about my friends. Within two years I have lost two people who have been taken away from me. These two people were individuals who were on the front lines in my development. TJ (died from cancer) and LB (menigitis), they were both strong women who did not like it when I acted weaker than I was. In the most part they tried to toughen me up. At times I think forget them, when they were alive I know I did not forget them. When holidays and birthdays came they got presents and calls. When something big happened at my job they knew about it. They were links to the Tashya that was in the past, because I am a new person now. Anyway I was thinking about them. Crying and just thinking about them. I am not use to having to give up people through death. Choices. I choose in a second to think about the things that they gave me, because they did in steal some toughness in me. I am still alive and I have to live. I have to give myself some self-compassion for one. There is a song from India Arie that I listened that explained my move to actually command the choices in my life.

Lyrics:

I Choose Lyrics

Because you never know where life is gonna take you and you can’t change where you’ve been.
But today, I have the opportunity to choose.

[Verse 1:]
Here am I now looking at 30 and I got so much to say.
I gotta get this off of my chest, I gotta let it go today.
I was always too concerned about what everybody would think.
But I can’t live for everybody, I gotta live my life for me.(Yeah)
I pitched a fork in the road of my life and ain’t nothing gonna happen unless I decide.

[Chorus:]
(And I choose) to be the best that I can be.
(I choose) to be authentic in everything I do.
My past don’t dictate who I am. I choose. (Yeah)

[Verse 2:]
I done been through some painful things I thought that I would never make it through.
Filled up with shame from the top of my head to the soles of my shoes.
I put myself in so many chaotic circumstances, but by the grace of God I’ve been given so many second chances.
But today I decided to let it all go. I’m dropping these bags, I’m making room for my joy.

[Chorus:]
(And I choose) to be the best that I can be.
(I choose) to be authentic in everything I do.
My past don’t dictate who I am. I choose.

[Bridge:]
Because you never know where life is gonna take you and you can’t change where you’ve been.
But today, I have the opportunity to choose. (Hey ey)
I used to have guilt about why things happen they way they did cuz life is gone do what it do.
And everyday, I have the opportunity to choose.

[Verse 3:]
From this day forward I’m going to be exactly who I am.
I don’t need to change the way that I live just to get a man. (NO!)
I even had a talk with my mama and I told her the day I’m grown, “from this day forward, every decision
I make will be my own.” And hey!

[Chorus:]
(And I choose) to be the best that I can be.
(I choose) to be courageous in everything I do.
My past don’t dictate who I am. I choose.

(And I choose) to be the best that I can be.
(I choose) to be authentic in everything I do.
My past don’t dictate who I am. I choose.

[Bridge:]
Because you never know where life is gonna take you and you can’t change where you’ve been.
But today, I have the opportunity to choose. (Hey ey)
I used to have guilt about why things happen they way they did cuz life is gone do what it do.
And everyday, I have the opportunity to choose.

I feel that it is time for some changes and I am ready to make them.  I am getting stronger and I am becoming the person I want to be and the person that I am naturally.  I have people in my life that supports me and would even attest to the person I am.  And I am finally ready to look at my problems even though looking at your problems generally hurt, but you know to get over them you have to.

 I am having fun!!!!

I accomplished most the thing on my list for compensation vacation.  I am proud.  I felt like a globe trotter even though I drove through Atlanta.  I am ready to hit up other things.

I am planning to work on a book. I have been planning to work on several books. I really like the ideal of this one. I am really excited about putting together this book. It is going to be a workbook for women. It’s a guide for living. If anyone has any suggestions please feel free to post them.

I went digging through my past today.  I was off from work and I decided I wanted my records from school.  Because in elementary school I saw a counselor and I do not know what for.  A couple of years ago my mother told me the school thought she beat me, because I did not interact and was withdrawn from the other kids.  Mind you I have always been an observer.  At home I talked a lot but at school I never opened my mouth.  I was silent weird kid who was an artist.  I just want to know what the school wrote and their prespective on the whole situation.  Hence why I went to look for my records. 

I have to wait two months before I know anything from the school.  If they have something or not?  They might not even have it in my records.  I think that is right foul, they should keep everything and remove nothing.  Everyone has a past and sometimes people need that past to get through the future.  I am so torn over this.  I am still me though.  I love my being and my life right now.

Visit 5 apartments

Finish my career portfolio
- Redoing my resume
- Print out the career portfolio

Finish Eat Pray Love

Write my email to my rabbi

Apply to ten jobs

- Top Chief

- Pineapple and Coconut ice cream

- Criticism

- memoirs

- bikini cut underwear

- hair weave

Don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines. –Leroy (Satchel) Paige

Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot.”
–The Hausa of Nigeria

I borrowed this meme from http://sugarandice.blogspot.com,

1. How do you like your eggs? Scrambled with cheese

2. How do you take your coffee/tea? 2 sweet n lows, honey, and cream

3. Favorite breakfast food: I love breakfast foods. Pancakes, scrambled eggs, slabs of ham

4. Peanut butter - smooth or crunchy? Neither. I do not do peanut butter.

5. What kind of dressing on your salad? blue cheese. I like it homemade though.

6. Coke or Pepsi? I do not drink soda.

7. You’re feeling lazy, what do you make? frozen dinner

8. You’re feeling really lazy. What kind of pizza do you order? bacon and pineapple or a supreme

9. You feel like cooking. What do you make? Something new

10. Do any foods bring back good memories? Fruit Loops, my mother use to buy them all the time! She was not a cooker.

9. Do any foods bring back bad memories? Corn

10. Do any foods remind you of someone? No

11. Is there a food you refuse to eat? coconut, peanuts

12. What was your favorite food as a child? I just liked eating

13. Is there a food that you hated as a child but now like? Nothing

14. Is there a food that you liked as a child but now hate? peanut butter

15. Favorite fruit and vegetable: mangos

16. Favorite junk food: Mango Italian soda. And whatever I am in a mood for.

17. Favorite between meal snack: water

18. Do you have any weird food habits? French fries with strawberry jelly and tartar sauce

19. You’re on a diet. What food(s) do you fill up on? Fruits

20 . You’re off your diet. Now what would you like? French fries

21. How spicy do you order Indian/Thai? I use to, now I do not

22. Can I get you a drink? HUh?

23. Red wine or white? sangria

24. Favorite dessert? cake and ice cream

25. The perfect nightcap? ice water

1. Do you like having your picture taken? No, but if you just have to take my pictures
2. Have you ever done a photo shoot, professional or none? Yes, in high school I did a photo shoot for a magnet school pamphlet.
3. If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go and why? Paris, Because of all the movies romanticizing it. Sabrina included. I too want the chance to fall in love with Paris.
4. Who would you take with you on this adventure? I would want my first trip to be solo.
5. What would you say is the most daring thing to do in a lifetime. Face your fears.
6. Would you ever do that? I have and I am working on confronting some now.
7. Have you ever done crossword puzzles? Yes, but I suck at them.
8. Ever actually completed one? Without cheating no.
9. Pick up the closest book and write a sentence at random from it. Once you have written about possible error, a creditor cannot give out information to other creditors or credit bureau that would hurt your credit reputation until the matter is resolved.
10. Do the same with either a CD or a lyric from the radio. NO!!!!!
11. Have you ever tried to analyze your own dreams? Yes, read the post What Dreams May Come.
12. Would you put up posters in your room? Not now, that’s tacky.
13. Can you sing? Not good.
14. Do you ever sing to yourself while doing every day tasks? Yes.
15. What’s your favorite color of post-it note? Yellow
16. How many cassette tapes do you own? Three. Brandy (her first one), Tragic Kingdom, Michael Jackson’s Writings on the Wall.
17. How many CDs do you own? Fifty easy
18. Ever bought a CD just for one song? NO.
19. What would your perfect day consist of? Shopping, being pampered to, enjoying the day with my best friend, and hopefully having great love with my beau.
20. Have you ever lied to get off the phone or out of talking to someone online? Who doesn’t?
21. Have you ever written a survey? Yes, for research methods in college.
22. How about a song? If so, share it. Yes, in high school
23. Or maybe a poem? If so share it or one of them. Tons
24. Is your VCR flashing 12:00 all the time? The power went out.
25. Do you read your horoscope? Sometime when I want some hope.
26. If so do you base your day on it? No.
27. Would you rather chew gum or use mouthwash, and why? mouthwash
28. Do you floss? I plea the fifth.
29. Are you addicted to Napster like me? No
30. How many times a year (about) are you sick? Few
31. Ever been in an airplane? Yes
32. If so, where were you flying to? Miami, Dallas, and Atlanta
33. What radio station do you listen to most? Q 100
34. What color are your shoes? black
35. Was Fuzzy Wuzzy a bear? NO.
36. Do you know how to play Dominos? Not correctly
37. Or do you think I just mean pizza by that? Heck no.
38. Speaking of pizza, what’s your favorite kind? Supreme
39. What color are your eyes? brown
40. How many surveys have you filled out this lifetime? lots
41. Describe your bedroom. Include all details. NO
42. Name one person your life is made better by. Everyone I come in contact with has made my life a better place.
43. Would you or have you ever shaved your head? Yes, for laughs
44. How about someone else’s? No
45. Can you do math with ease? Not at all
46. What size is your computer screen? 15.4’’ widescreen
47. If you could only talk to one person online who would it be? I don’t talk to anyone now.
48. Name your favorite type of music and why? Popular
49. Are you a vegetarian? No, but I use to be.
50. How about an aspiring actor/actress? Yes, of the stage.
51. What famous person, dead or alive, would you interview if you had the chance? Marilyn Monroe
52. Which movie can you watch and say the lines along with the actors? The Wedding Date
53. Name one of your passions in life. Art
54. What is your least favorite time of day? The Middle
55. Who is your favorite member in a band (singer, guitar, bass, drummer…) and why? Singer, because you can replace the others
56. Do you use hairspray or gel? Hairspray, gel makes my hair dry
57. Describe your favorite meal. French fries, sushi, or fried sushi
58. What color is the inside of your head when you close your eyes? Black?
59. Ever listen to classical music? Yes, Yanni

Yes, I do think I set myself up, but who doesn’t. I am a dreamer and yes I know dreaming does not get you where you want to go. Dreaming holds your attention to an illusion. I am not as motivated as I thought, because when I want something I generally get it. I have to pace mysel I guess. And I have to live life. I just don’t know what I am so afraid of. Failing? Coming up short? Why?