Scattered . . .

1. Hopefully cute new luggage (pink polka dots) 2. British Glamour 3. Laptop 4. Snacks (chocolate, chips, and a reminder to buy a beverage after security check point) 5. Emergency 6. Kit just in case my luggage gets lost kit (which includes underwear, t shirt, deodorant, toothbrush, etc.) 7. MP3 player 8. At least ten movies (five of which I have never seen) 9. Chic lit 10. Journal and good writing utensils 11. Sketchpad

What are some of the Good Choices you have made recently?

• To look at what I have and not at what I don’t have
• Stop going gaga over my gay friend
• Turn to my spirituality and faith
• Only make work a part of my life and not my entire life

La Dolce Vita has wrote a lot of things today.  And I just cannot believe how in love with this blog I am.  Not to mention I think I’m being thoroughly dissed through her blog, because she doesn’t post my comments.  I still hunger for more of this blog.  Here are some of things she wrote about today:

1.       What does happiness mean to me?

To me happiness is being creative, learning, and living.  As long as I embody one or all of those things than I will be happy.

2.       She asks for life lessons (here are mine): 1) Learn from your mistakes 2) Never compromise being yourself

3.       Tip of the Day: Choose Your Role Models Wisely

4.       Second Tip of the Day:  You have the Rights to Your Life

·         The life you are living is yours. ·         No one else has the power or control over it and you do not have to build your legacy according to anyone elses’ blueprint. ·         Take advice from people with a grain of salt and follow advice only of those who have achieved the kind of outcome you are looking to achieve. If someone has the kind of job, relationship, social network or lifestyle that appeals to you, by all means, follow suit (as long as they achieved it honorably) but if your miserable Aunt Ida is dishing out extra helpings of a life plan, you might want smile, wrap it in a napkin and feed it to the dog while she’s not looking. This of course is a different story if she’s trying to get you to learn from her mistakes.·         The world is full of all kinds of advice and opinons–billions of them, and guess what? 98% of them won’t suit you.

5.       Add a little spice to your life. Here are her suggestions:

·         Wear Something Slinky Under Your Sweats It’s you’re own little saucy secret.·         Sleep in the nude: Preferably on super-soft or silky sheets.·         Role Play With Someone Special: Dress up like a nurse, fireman or whatever else and enjoy a fantasy-come-to-life (just do not do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and have a code-word to let your partner know if you want things to stop).·         Try a Sexy and Spicy New Cuisine- Preferably something you eat with your hands. Moroccan, Ethiopian and Middle Eastern foods are fab!·         Get Your Groove On! Dancing gets you in-tune with your body and it’s a heck of a lot of fun! Do it at home, at a lounge, in a club-wherever! Oh and who cares what you look like, having fun that is what matters!·         Go Wine Tasting- I, for one, think it’s one sexy afternoon date. So there.

I am thankful for. . .

• Having a job, because some people are not lucky or furtunate enough to find one
• Every breath that I took this year, life in general
• Finding a higher connection with God
• HaggenDaz
• my mother finding patience and being more patient with me
• renewed friendships
• Finding advice in unlikely places
• CARBS
• Losing twelve pounds this year, yeah me
• Target, my heaven on earth and the Starbucks within them
• that people read my blog, because I do not know what I would do if no one read anything I put out there
• the color pink.  I just love that color, in decent amounts
• magazines- oh how I love Elle, Glamour, Essence, Marie Claire, Cosmo Girl (Yes, even CosmoGirl)
• Disney movies are making a comeback.  Hello, Enchanted.  I must see this movie, simply must.
• Lists, which without I might never blog
• Finding a little more of myself on this journey
• Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote an amazing book which helped me out on my spiritual journey
• Stephenie Meyers, because I did not think their would be reading after Harry Potter
• Snape was good, because I don’t know how I would have handled it if were bad.  really i don’t.
• To kickball referring, because it showed me how hard it was to be fair and make decisions based on fairness.

Here is advice that a co worker emailed me.

OK well here’s how I see it: First, I think it’s important to explore the reasons why you say that you are in love with him.  What are the main reasons and elaborate on them also.  Honestly, I think the bulk of the reasons why you do say that is stemming from him really being one of the only men you’ve been around in the past couple of years and that he’s really been there for you through some rough patches.   Second, state and EMBRACE the obvious: 1) He’s gay and he’s not attracted to women.  While you may find him looking at some girl from time to time and he may even pay her a compliment or two, bottom line is, he’s just not into women in that way.  2) By continuing to “love” him as you say, YOU are the one who’s hurting.  There’s a Bible verse that comes to mind that talks about love…1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (it’s below) Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (NRSV, 1 Corinthians 13:4-  OK so you may wonder why I got all religious…well a couple of reasons.  To me, I notice in this scripture the part where it says “love rejoices in the TRUTH.”  A lot of times, people get sooo caught up in their own thoughts that they neglect to see or turn their eyes from the truth…what’s REALLY going on in their relationships.  In your case, the TRUTH is that he’s gay and is not gonna change.  This has NOTHING to do with you personally, it just is what it is.  Also, in the beginning of the passage, the author says, “Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude.”  In other words, love does not hurt or do things to hurt you.  Let’s further look at your “love” for him:  YOU are obviously hurting in some manner as a result.  Love is supposed to feel good.  When you love someone, you feel warm and fuzzy inside not as though something is wrong with you.  Let’s take a battered woman for example: she “loves” her man but he beats the crap outta her.  SHE is hurting.  I feel like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship in which your happiness is impeded b/c of someone else…even if it may not be his fault directly. In order to truly get over this, I believe that you are gonna have to look yourself in the mirror and say, “I deserve to love and be loved by someone who will love me back.  Someone who I don’t have to compete with others for his attention and affection.  Someone who looks at me and only me.”  But the key to that is YOU have to BELIEVE it!!  It’s impossible to TRULY love someone if you don’t first love yourself.  Ask yourself, “What is it about me that made me fall in love with someone intangible?”  Is it that you are afraid of being rejected and this is a “safe” choice?  Is it that you see qualities in that person that you’d like to find in your potential mate?  It probably wouldn’t hurt to put a limit on how often you hang out with him until you can put a finger on the issue.  You say you are ready to meet straight men…well one thing’s for sure: you are NOT gonna find one hanging out with a bunch of gay guys LOL!!   Hope this helps but here’s something to remember about love:  Love is a two-way street.  When you see that you are on a wrong way traveling the wrong direction, but a U-turn b/c you are not on Love…you need to pull over and ask for directions!!  In other words, you can’t find love in a person who doesn’t love you back…only heartache will come of that!!

Recently I am enquiring why I hang around so many gay guys. Besides the fact that they are cool, dress nice, and smell good why am I so attached to them.  Anyway I am using the usage that is provided by wikipedia to help me determine why.

Fag hags are frequently stereotyped as lonely or unattractive women, sometimes overweight, who are seeking a substitute for heterosexual relationships, or who are secretly sexually attracted to gay men.^[5][6] In fact, many women who identify as fag hags are already in romantic relationships, either with straight men or with women^[6] but appreciate the alternative experience of socializing with gay men.

In interviews with gay men and self-described fag hags, the most common theme is safety.

I think safety does have something to do with it. I think I feel secure and safe with them because I know where I stand with my gay male friends.

 A rich relationship can develop between a straight woman and a gay man without sexual tension.

The fag hag relationship allows the participants to separate intimacy and sexuality. It seems that I still haven’t gotten the separtion between intimacy and sexuality, because I want to have sex with one of my gay male friends.

I would like to start off with, please let me email me tips and suggestions because I really am in a bind.

I am head over heels for this guy.  He is my friend, a really good friend.  He has seen me past my prime.  And I love him, even his mistakes and blemishes.  I love him.  I know nothing can happen between us, but damn I want it to.  Which I need to  get over.  Every time I think feelings are gone, they come back stronger.  A co worker of mine seem to think it’s because I’m in need of some bump and grind.  Hell, I don’t know what it is.  I use to daydream about this person and stop myself because I thought yuck he’s like a brother to me.  Now I don’t stop myself I let the fantasy continue. 

Yes I know he knows how I feel about him.  Anytime I like someone I become a 12 year old school girl, but at twelve I think I was more poised.  I get all dreamy eyed and latch on to the man’s every word.  I adore him.  Funny thing is, I don’t put him above the clouds.  I know he’s not perfect and I accept that.  I live for ways to make him bigger than life, but there aren’t any. I love him, for him.  Even if there was a straight guy out there with the same qualities as him they wouldn’t be him.  Only he could be him.

Sometimes I think that’s it, because I already know the out come of him and me.  There is none!!!!  He is not for me.  We look at the same guys for goodness sake.

 As I stated at beginning, suggestions and advice please.

Today is the first Anniversary of my blog. 

HAPPY 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY to Scattered. . . 

(which I think was named something else at first)

I luv La Dolce Vita.  Everyone will have to endour a daily dolce blog, because she writes about great things.  So far today she has written about three things.

1. How You See You

Here are the questions posed in the blog: 

WHAT ARE THREE WORDS THAT DESCRIBE YOU AT PRESENT?

creative, elecltic, and off beat

WHAT ARE THREE WORDS YOU HOPE WILL DESCRIBE YOU IN THE FUTURE?

organized, planned, thoughtful

2. The gift of self.  Every time someone reaches out to you it’s because they want to.  You should remember that.

3. She is now open for relationship questions.

I was reading La Dolce Vita blog in Ivillage again and I had a really good talk with someone yesterday.  My gift to myself is freedom.

The freedom to be myself.

 The freedom to say no to things that I don’t want to do.

The freedom to be easier on myself. 

The freedom to like that the freak I wanna like.  I don’t care that some people think hot pink is tacky, I lovess iteded.