Me in a Nutshell

·         I don’t want everyone to think I am a downer

·         Should I care what anyone thinks?

·         My eyes are acting up. 

·         Our health insurance at work is in shambles (because we switched)

·         My ex got married last week. (Why should I care?)  Misery loves company.

·         I chopped all my hair off yesterday.  It makes me feel better.

·         I am still struggling with work to get my life back but it’s hard!

·         The baby shower is Sunday.  I hope everything goes well.  I have a couple of more things to pick    up.  Mostly candy and games.  I hope it’s eventful and fun.

·         I’m thinking about truly writing off a friend!  I mean if it’s no call no show at work you get fired, why shouldn’t friendship be the same.

·         There is a book club meeting in Smyrna but it’s too far to drive.  Gave is four dollars and thirty nine cents where I live.  Can I teleconference in?

randomness

I am at work.  It has been a stress free week since someone has been absent from work.  I have gotten a little more done than I usually do.

The baby shower is coming up and I still have a lot of things to get.  A lot of things.  I need candy, cameras, baby book, and not to mention my baby gift.  AHHH.  I planned a lot for this moment.  Plus I have to decide on the games and prizes (miniatures or candles).  I bought the favors Wednesday.   I am excited for her.  I will post pictures online. J

I love the designs from Marchesa!!!

I am still snotty girl.

I am more at ease with everyone and their marriages, babies, and life changes.   My time will come and I should just enjoy the moment that I am in. 

 

My sister and me

I love everyone.  Like is a different story.

I want to be close with my sister, but I don’t think she wants to close to me.  I try and correspond but I do not think its recipcated.  She’s nineteen and I am in my mid=twenties, so I understand the age difference.  I just want her to know I love her and I am there for her.

Yeah my attitude sucks at times but plenty of people love me and put up with me.I need to focus on things I can control like getting into graduate school.  And my own happiness.  Truth is we just might not ever be in each others lives like that.

A Family Affair

I went to a family reunion, which wasn’t as dramatic as I imagined it to be. On the way back to my grandparents house for dinner we stopped to get ice cream, then I bumped into my other grandparents. My biological fathers parents. It was weird, I haven’t seen them in years. it was also a lot of hugging. I also found out the sperm donor had been staying in Atlanta for a little bit and hadn’t called me. It hurt but it’s not like he owes me anything. I’ve decided to maintain keeping a distance from them, because I need people who are going to stay in my life and not be nomadic. I love him. I still don’t know how to forgive him. And at the current moment would not attend his funeral, because I would want to spit on him. It’s sad but true. There is just so much hurt and anger there. 

It’s part of the reason I cannot find someone, because people come and go.  And right now I am not ready to put my heart out there.  And the people I do have I try to hold on desperately to.  I yo yo.  I want them close then I want them away.  I am not going to give him that much power because I know it’s something I have to get over.

Baby Drama

I want a baby.  I want a baby.  Not right now but in the future I would like a child.

A friend and I were having a conversation last night about babies.  She questions my reasoning and abilities for wanting one.  Which is fine but it got me wondering about things. 

The fact is I was upset.  I am talking about babies a lot.  Lots of people are having children which make it easier to yearn for them, at least for me to yearn for them.  I do want a child and I understand the time and effort put into raising a child.  If I wanted one and had to have one right now, I would be pregnant right now.  But I cannot even handle myself let alone someone else (including a child or husband).  So I do not take raising a child lightly, I want to give them the world.

And I want other things.  It’s not enough for me to be Tashya living at home working in HIV Prevention and reading books.  I want more.  I want more education, dating, and to discover more things.  I want things to progress so I can be a mother in the future. 

Until then I will wait (more than likely not patiently) for a child.  I will go to the ongoing parade of baby showers and be happy for the individuals bringing new life into this world, while waiting for my time to have a baby of my own.

Two Marriages?

One of my co workers and I were talking about sex and relationships, which is not uncommon, when he randomly blurts out I am going to marry outside of my race.  It’s not the first time I have ever heard anything like it, so i shrugged it off.  But then he went on to say that I would be married twice.  I’m like twice, no way.  He wouldn’t elaborate.

I called a good friend of mine who has known me for eight years and asked her about my supposed many marriages.  She said she could see that.  WTF.  I mean come on!  I want to married once to someone who is a great guy and who loves me deeply.  And of course the given, he must not be gay or bi curious.  She went on to say I get bored with men easily, which is true.  And I do enjoy the thrill of the chase, I just chop that up to being young. 

Conclusion, I know that I am the only one who can decide something like this but it’s nice to hear others view points. For the record I would like to be married only once with a long line of lovers before that.

Outthere

So my blog can’t be seen in China, I’m writing isn’t out there.  i don’t say things that I wouldn’t say if I were asked. 

Here is the problem.  People I actually know are reading this and I want to be free.  I’m a caged bird that wants to be free.  The problem I cannot be free with people I know reading my blog.  Does that mean I am going to stop writing?  No I love to write and get comments, sorta feeds my ego.  I have decided to free myself regardless of who is watching.

Back to me.

Things I am looking forward to posting:

• My review of Breaking Dawn
• My completion of Task 1

Task 1

A good friend of mines gave me the task of asking a guy out.  I have never even idly talked to a guy that wasn’t providing me a service (he he he.  Seriously on the latte boy),  Any way I cannot believe it, she says I have two weeks.  I am thinking I would rather do it sooner than later.  Yicks, though.

Do women have pick up lines?  I wouldn’t dare.  But a compliment is a nice place to start.  Yeah, I think I will start with a compliment.

Almost Does Count

I am planning the best summer ever,  I am going to be the best me ever.  And I am going to have fun.  No more tense girly woman.  Life is too short.

Tonight I have plans to go to a birthday dinner for a guy at work.  It has promise.  The resturant is decent and the company isn’t too shabby.

Sex and the City was awesome last night.  I wish I would have dressed up and made a big thang out of it.

My phone is off due to me not paying the bill.  It’s a huge bill, like five hundred all together.  Crazy.  More than my car payment.  But I am waiting for my check from the dealership to turn it back on.  I get paid on Wednesday which could make for it coming back on too.  And I have to pay my citation for failure to yield.  This from a girl who was told during her drivers test that she waited for other people too much. 

I also found a summer fling.  I am excited by the prospects.

The Sun’s Not OUT

I think I might be depressed.  There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me.  I really just want to eat and eat and sleep.  I don’t want the face the world.  The world is against me.  And then I am thinking this might just be my stupid hormones.  Either way I need help.  Professional  help.  Nothing is going the way I want it to go and everything is falling through the cracks. I don’t want people to think I am a nut case, which some already do.  I guess I cannot change the way people view me, even though I want to please everyone.  I hinder myself.  Even this blog.

I want to call out of work tomorrow but I get my review.  Wednesday there is a presentation.  I feel smothered. 

i feel like I have to put on a brave face for my friends.  I feel like I have to abandoned my friends but I feel abandoned too.

And then I can feel this thing growing inside of me.  Something that doens’t take away from problems but adds to them.  A cyst growing bigger and bigger.  My weight fluxating.

One of my friends sassed me for wanting to wear clothes out of Forever 21, but I have never been able to wear clothes out of Forever 21.  I want my shot.  I want to be able to wear clothes outside of the store.