253

That’s the number when I get on the scale.  Yes, morbidly obsessed, but I carry it well.  Needless to say I want to lose weight.  I am tripping over myself.

These are the reasons I desperately want to lose weight:

·         Buy clothes from Urban Outfitters, Forever 21, Victoria Secrets

·         To wear neon colored bras, because they don’t make cute bras in a G cup

·         For my class reunion coming up

·         To be healthy?  Yes, to be healthy

This bad feeling

I care too much what people think about me.  I want people to like me and I hate conflict.  I want people to care about me in return.  I think I go above and beyond for loads of people.  And I get mad or upset when it is not reciprocated.  I want people to treat me as though I am creditable and smart.  I ask myself, do I treat me that way?  NO.  I don’t and in turn people treat me like I treat myself.  I don’t act confident, strong, and smart but I am.  I don’t know what to do with all these emotions.  I did however I did get a good nights sleep last night do to all the mayhem in my head.

The Woman Cup

I was reading up on how to go green.  And I came across a tip for women’s care, which suggested using a menstrual cup.  I have never heard of a menstrual cup before and have decided to investigate.  Here are some things I learned:

• It goes inside and not outside
• You can wear it longer than a tampon/pad
• may cause leakage (yikes)
• Can use them during oral sex but not vaginal

I just found this interesting.  I suggested if you are interested do your own research.

The Sun’s Not OUT

I think I might be depressed.  There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me.  I really just want to eat and eat and sleep.  I don’t want the face the world.  The world is against me.  And then I am thinking this might just be my stupid hormones.  Either way I need help.  Professional  help.  Nothing is going the way I want it to go and everything is falling through the cracks. I don’t want people to think I am a nut case, which some already do.  I guess I cannot change the way people view me, even though I want to please everyone.  I hinder myself.  Even this blog.

I want to call out of work tomorrow but I get my review.  Wednesday there is a presentation.  I feel smothered. 

i feel like I have to put on a brave face for my friends.  I feel like I have to abandoned my friends but I feel abandoned too.

And then I can feel this thing growing inside of me.  Something that doens’t take away from problems but adds to them.  A cyst growing bigger and bigger.  My weight fluxating.

One of my friends sassed me for wanting to wear clothes out of Forever 21, but I have never been able to wear clothes out of Forever 21.  I want my shot.  I want to be able to wear clothes outside of the store.

My Today April.2.2008

My Today:

• I have had many crying episodes.  One in the bathroom and the other in front of my bosses’ boss.  Both over the same things.  Don’t ask.  Yes I am being dramatic.
•  Lots of people wanting HIV testing
• I haven’t been listening that much·         Got a lot of sleep last night and was late to work.  AHHHHHH
• I think my hair might be coming out.  It felt fine Monday now it’s very very very dry.
•  I have supervision with my boss in a few minutes.

In My Head

I have this fear.  What if nothing is wrong with me and it’s all in my head. I went to the doctors last week.  Which sucked.  She des not know what is wrong with me.  At least she is honest.  All I know is I want to lose weight.  But I wonder if anything is wrong with me.  The symptoms come and go.  What if they aren’t symptoms at all? 

Things Right Now

• worried about finances
• rethinking finance strategy for 2008
• calculating the Vegas trip
• making a list of what to bring to Vegas
• making a list of things to do before I leave
• remembering what to ask my doctor
• trying to get all my work done
• loving the new shoes at target
• wondering when flip flops started costing so much

Hiding

Have you ever felt like you were hiding.  I believe I am hiding.  Hiding because of fear.

What am I hiding:

• my body
• from the fact that it’s not me it’s the environment
• who i am
• who i want to be
• How I am going to get there

Icky

• I feel icky today
• Bloated
• nausea
• Work sucks

Recent Update

• Going to Vegas for my birthday.  The CEO of the organization I work for is sending me first class.
• Growing pains are true
• I am drastically working on my filing for CTR (over 3,000 folders)
• I can bearly bend down
• I have fallen twice today (my mother would say my balance is off)
• I am ready to go home
• I am typing this post while I am waiting for a  test result