U can’t have my happiness

I like the work I do, which is educating people on the risks of HIV and AIDS.  The people I work with can be demanding and insecure.   I know wherever you work you have to co exist with the people you work with.  The agency I work for is less than fifteen people which make a difference from fifteen hundred.  No I would not like to get lost in a crowd of co workers but at times I can’t manage my emotions around them.

 I know you are in control of your own emotions.  But it’s draining dealing with them daily.  The issues aren’t my clients but my co workers.  And I know I should look at myself and not at other people.  Meaning not to take over people’s issues.  I hate conflict for one and not being in control.  In time this stuff will blow over and it will be contentment.  I am tired of these men thinking they could just run over me because I am a woman.  So not the case.  You do not want to get on my list for real because I will bury you.  I won’t stop until you are down and everyone is wondering what happened.  Vindictive, yes.  Outrageous, just a tad.  Dramatics, that is so me.

I am an over analyzer.  This translates into a worrier. 

I am going to fight for my happiness because it’s not given out on silver platters at home or work.

Ten things that make me happy:

1.       Coffee.  Loves the bean

2.       Journals- I love opening the fresh pages of a journal, it’s like a new beginning.

3.       Magazines- they hold my dreams and fantasies.  Not to mention they are exotic. 

4.       Watching girly movies- Example: The Wedding Date, Sabrina, Breakfast at Tiffany’s

5.       Really observing people who don’t know I am observing

6.       Creating

7.       Listing- it releases stress and tension

8.       Showers- who doesn’t feel good after one

9.       Reading a good book

10.   Daydreaming about the man of my dreams

My Spiritual Purge

Things I repent this past year

·         Caring what others think.  It’s ok to take others opinions in concern but it’s not ok t live your life trying to please others.  I am going to fight and win this battle over caring what others think.

·         Gluttony.  Over eating.  Over spending.  Trying to run from what I was feeling or numb it with food or things.  I will embrace m emotions and cut down on the spending and eating.

·         Being content.  One should always strive to be the best person he or she can be.  Over the past year I haven’t been doing that.  I have let things happen to me instead of controlling my destiny and my life.  And then whining about it and not doing anything to change it.

·         Sustaining in filth.  Letting clutter and stuff rule my life.  I am better than that and I need to work harder to be more organized and less messy.

Updates on me from me

I want something comforting for lunch, which I know it wrong.  I have a healthy choice soup that I could sip on.  Which does not seem appealing in the least.

Work is boring.  No one is here except for me and the volunteer.  Time is going by so slow.  I have decided after work to throw myself into cleaning my office and some paper work.  The weekend should be fun.  I decided not to go to taste of Atlanta.   The drive, crowd, and effort to act like I am enjoying myself would be too much.

I am talking to this guy on the internet.  Which is going okay.  I think he might want to date but I don’t want to date him.  Not to mention he needs a green card.  He makes me feel good but there is not future in it.

The Walking Dead

I didn’t sleep yesterday at all.  I am so tired.  So very tired.  I have to finish my monthly report today.  It doesn’t look good for that happening.  I am so drained.

It’s Sunday and Decision Time

It’s Sunday.  I work tomorrow.  I want to get out of the house and right now I am. I am at the coffee shop.  It’s like I am competing with my brother on who can stay in the house longer.  I wish he would just leave the house but he seems content there.  I think my mother needs to discontinue the internet.  I am going to pick up a part time job.  I use to be so out there instead of so in the box. 

I have decided to visit San Francisco in December.  And I am resolved to buying a coat this week from Target because they are on sale, its getting cold, and my travel plans (Philly and San Fran).  I am also going to start walking in the morning tomorrow.  I’ll let everyone know how it went.

What I Did this Saturday

Did nothing all day.  I did wash the dishes.

October 2008 Happenings

·         October 3, 2008- Testing at the Southern Transgender Conference

·         October 6, 2008- Testing at a local college

·         October 8, 2008- Ethics Training, Staff Potluck, and NAESM jeopardy

·         October 15, 2008- Work plan due.  Have no idea what supervisor wants in it

·         Flying to Philly.  Presenting In Philly, then flying back home.

·         Mom’s birthday

Things on my mind

·         Ginger Ale

·         Sketchbook

·         Blurb

·         Day planners

·         Target (which I haven’t been in since the beginning of September)

·         Christmas shopping (a gift per check)

Stuff I am into Now

·         Television.  There are about a million shows that I want to watch.  My friends think I have gone mental sitting in front of the television every day.

·         Ginger Lemonade.  Heard about it from the Hills.  I made it and it’s pretty good, though it’s not something I would or could drink every day.  I think it kept me up last night.

·         Reevaluating myself.  (Professionally and Socially)

·         Coffee

·         Lifestyle change.  I am taking my health unto my own hands.

·         Part time job.  It’s a good way to meet people and make extra money.  I don’t think I can do fast food again. 

·         Cooking.  Last night I cooked beef stew.  It was pretty tasty though the vegetable melt in your mouth, literally.

·         Going to Philly to present at a summit.  I think it’s going to work out pretty well.

·         Sex and the City the Movie.  What Happens in Vegas.  Love those two movies.

·         I am rereading Breaking Dawn.  And I have started dabbling in fan fiction about Reneesme and Jacob.  None have been too vulgar.  And I read Midnight Sun, which Stephenie Meyers posted on her page after it leaked.  I enjoyed Edwards perspective of the story, it made him seem less neurotic and creepy (Even though I was always on Team Edward).

At My grandparents house

Look, I know with post might announce me biiitcchhh of 2008 but I am posting it.  I went to my grandparents house to spend time with them because it’s my grandfathers birthday on Monday.  I went and bought all this stuff for him.  Which is cool.  I didn’t mind, he has spent countless amount  of money on me.

Long story short they have worked my nerves and I said some things I shouldn’t have said.  That I meant  which they didn’t take seriously.  Yes they are aggravating and terrorizing but I didn’t have to act to harsh.  They just get on my nerves.  I know.  I have been here before and they have always acting the same.  I am just so upset.  And then one of my grandmother’s friends died this morning.  Which is sad, but I meant the fact that I don’t want to come down here for Christmas or Thanksgiving.  And at this point I do not want to spend it with friends.  I want to be by myself.

My grandfather is a very difficult person to co exist with.  He wants things his way and he is so damn self righteous, and that totally sounds like me.

Now they are in their room and I am in the kitchen typing.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to leave causing more trouble than I brought.