The Depressed Files

I have been admitting this forever.  I am letting life happen to me.  Life is passing me by and I am in a window seat watching.  Some say depression others chose not to comment on it at all.  I say that I am lost right now.  I do know what general direction I want to go in and I am struggling to get there.  I am just so blah.  What does blah mean?  I want to be hidden and not found.  I want everything to just happen but I know things don’t just happen.  I know you have to work for whatever you want.

Part of me thinks if I move then I will just waste away.  I will die alone in my apartment.  And then I think part of me wishes that.  That people would just abandon me so I can waste away.

Have I given up on living?

No.  I still come to work.  I still dress myself.

But I want to be that girl.  The girl with lots of friends who doesn’t have a care in the world.  The girl who has a nice place and a respectful boyfriend.  The one who shops at forever 21.

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3 responses to “The Depressed Files

  1. 2 things:

    1. absolutely do not give up on living. everyday is another chance for you to make a positive change in your life, or simply to do something new. take advantage of that. each day does not have to follow the same routine.

    2. i’m pretty sure “that girl” you speak of doesn’t really exist. she’s not really living if she doesn’t have a care in the world. and is the number of friends you have more important than the quality of your friends? sometimes having a small group of really close friends is better than a big group of not-so-close friends.

    i have faith in you – i know you can overcome those feelings.

  2. Oh, girl. I know TOO well the desire to be “that girl.” I think everyone has an idea that “that girl” would be better than the person you already are now. My adoration for “that girl” was starting to become an obsession… it’s not healthy to envy anyone, let alone the type of “girl” you think would be better at living your life. (I’ve learned this in the hardest way.)

    While I agree with Deva on #2, I have to say that “that girl” DOES exist, just probably not the way you want her too. You ARE that girl, Love… you are in charge of your own happiness.

    I am not trying to lecture, nor am I trying to dumb down your feelings. I just have been where you’re at so many days out of my life that it pains me to see another strong person going through it.

    I could speak of forever about this… but just know you are in the my thoughts today. :]

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