Dreaded Post

I wanted to start blogging more regularly in 2012, but somethings happened.  Martin Luther King weekend was a long one.  Problems that I seemed to have didn’t seem important after 1/16/2012.

Me and me bestie talk almost everyday.  Her mother had been in the hospital for a while and she had recently gone to see her in intensive care after a lung transplant.  Her mother passed away on the 16th.  I did not know how or do not know how to console her.

And.

My mother moved a friend into the house after my brother had moved out.  Her friend and her had been dating.  He had recently found out he had liver cancer in November 2012.  The signs were all there and we knew he did not have long.  A self-proclaimed work-a-holic he had not been to work in weeks and had been in and out of the hospital since December.

That Monday (1/16/2012) he passed away in the house.  I was there and I feel like I bear some of the burden of his death because I didn’t check on him that day.  He was breathing hard, like he normally did.  It was not until my mother went to check on him that night, that we found out he was dead. The ordeal was surreal.  Tons of police in the house and his body.  It took until 4am the next morning until everything was calm and it was just my mom and me.  There were lots of nights on the couch and days of not working.

I’m still trying to deal with both deaths and continue living.  I don’t know how.  I think about what I did that constantly.  I could have been more diligent and checked on him when I heard his breathing.  I could have been a better human being.  Dozens of people say it’s not my fault, but I do feel I have a part in it.

 

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