This Is Me Now

This me now.  I’m a gangsta. lol, who am I kidding I have always thought of myself as a gangsta.  It’s just now I have the wounds from life.

Age: 37 last time I posted I was 32.

Living arrangements:  Alone in a 600 sq apartment 40 minutes outside Atlanta.  Close to six flags and a couple of exits from Alabama.

Work: Case Manager. This job is one of the jobs I have gained the most skills from.  I’ve been broken at this job and mended through this job.

Love Life:  nonexistence.  Trying to find the one of the ones who will love me for me and I would love him for him.  I know they out there.  I just need one to find me.  I’m lovable yet messy.

Kids:  A baby that’s in heaven.

Working

  • Still working on the bicostal planning for this baby shower.  It’s confirmed  that the baby is a girl.
  • I’ve decided that tomorrow I will make phone calls to everyone who has left me messages, which is a good number of my friends.  I’ve been avoiding most people because I’ve been in a sucky mood.
  • I’m working on several midterm projects.  Cooperative federalism vs. Dual Federalism and stuff like that.  Blah, blah, blah.
  • I’m becoming more tense.
  • I have two doctors appointments on Tuesday.  I also have to bring up the fact that I have abscess or boils in a place that is odd, he’ll look because that is what I pay he him to do.  My mom is going with me to my eye appointment.
  • I have not been working on my writing or goals, my marriage to myself is on seperation (lol).

Good Jobs and Confidence

I am sad because I don’t have a “good” job.  A job where I can pay all my current bills and live on my own.  When I did have a “good” job I was worried about other things.  I am so worn out and I feel like I have a long way to go.  My BFF says be positive, but I am afraid to be positive because nothing has happened yet.  And I think being positive won’t change things.  I’ll just be in the same situation with a positive attitude.

I’ve decided to work on my confidence.  It’s a big thing that I lack.  My confidence comes out in spurts.  It doesn’t come out in fight or flight situations, even thought I think it should.  My confidence goes on vacation about 345 days out of the year.  I need confidence every day.  I decided in 2011 it’s the one thing I’m really going to work on.  I think confidence in myself will help me score the job after interviews.

I feel like the whole world is in on a joke that I’ll never get.  I feel like I’m engulfed with people’s opinions on me.  I want approval, but I know I only need to approve of myself.

2009

The one word to sum up my 2009 is crazy.  2009 was a crazy year.  A very crazy year.

Why?

  • Lost fulltime job
  • Got parttime job
  • Multiple eye injuries
  • Two friends moved out of state
  • Bestie is still in California
  • Multiple infections
  • Saw a lot of movies in the theater
  • Lost some weight
  • Oncologist suggested gastric bypass
  • Have a huge cyst on my ovary, still
  • No health insurance
  • Want to cash out my 401k
  • Got to denial letters from graduate schools

Sabrina Fair

Sabrina: He keeps me company.
Woman: You think so? Illusions are dangerous people. They have no flaws. I came here from Provence, alone, uneducated. For 8 months – no more than that – a year, I sat in a café, I drank coffee, and I wrote nonsense in a journal. And then somehow, it was not nonsense. I went for long walks and met myself in Paris. You seem embarrassed by loneliness, by being alone. It’s only a place to start.

Yeah, he’s an illusion alright.  I’ m love with the ideal of being in love.  Not heard first on this blog.  He keeps me warm at night, comforted.  But I think this illusion is hindering me.  I need more.  That’s me wanting more. LOL  His nonexistent touches aren’t enough.

Who is he?  This week it’s Zach, whose taller than me.  He wants kids as much as I do and his mother loves me.  His kisses are sweet and we take many staycations.  Me and his sister bicker but all and all we get along.  He knows I’m complicated and I know he’s trustworthy.  But he’s not real.

Any who just thoughts.