Right Now, Really Right Now?

First of all I’m a drama queen second of all my life is nothing short of boring.  It’s crazy.  Everything is crazy.  And I’m eatting my weight in food.  I have to fight those erges.

  • I didn’t want to talk about but bestie is not well.  I’ve lost friends in the past and I know how I reacted.  I didn’t believe how sick they were.  History is repeating itself with Bestie.  But I know how sick she is.  Monday we were on the phone and she had a seizure.  First seizure ever, they suspended her drivers license.  Now they think she has epilepsy. I don’t know how to deal with it.  I would love to think she’s going to be here for ever, but people don’t last forever.
  • And then I feel bad because I don’t know how to handle the bestie situation.  I don’t.  I feel myself hiding.
  • Everything is changing.  Friends are moving.  Friends aren’t talking to me.  I’m not on any ones social calendar.  I want to enjoy life but I am constantly working and being prudish.  And I’m a tense drama queen.
  • I’m in love with the ideal of being in love.  Yet, the guys I’m totally had over heels for love over guys.  Shame on me for pickng guys who are rejecting me from front street.
  • I haven’t gotten into college and it feels like an uphill battle.  An admissions rep asked me to take more classes at a community college.  Which I have signed up for.  I’m sort of excited and sort of scared.
  • I want to move out, I know my mantra of the past four years.  My life was suppose to be different.  I was suppose to have a job that I loved with a guy who was head over heels for me.  And a baby or two.  Not to mention a house or brownstone.  Instead friendships are constantly changing.  I’m infatuated with people who could never possible see potential romance in me.  And I won’t own a house or have a baby until my mid thirties.  If I can possible ovulate to have a baby at all.

Baffled

Things are getting tense.  Everywhere.  At work and my personal life. 

I can’t really say what but it’s bad.  I feel fragile like if you stare at me too hard I’ll break.

I’m worried about everyone including myself.  And I feel helpless. 

And I feel too self consumed.  I am always wondering why people worry too much about themselves and not others.  It seems that I am focusing too much on myself and not a lot on others.  But it’s work to just get out of the bed.  It’s work to drive.  It’s work to work. 

I don’t want anyone to think I’m giving up on them, just like I wouldn’t want anyone to give up on me.

Don’t know.

Can I Not be Debby Downer

I am shy around guys.  But hey I want one for my own pleasure.  Lol.  What girl doesn’t?  I can’t seem to catch a guys attention hell I can’t even keep my own friends attention.

I am thinking about a conversation that me and bestie had.  She was telling me that guys initially want to date girls who seem like they have fun.  I don’t think I portray a fun girl.  I am prudish and intense not to mention uptight, but I want to seem like I have fun.  I want people to want to hang around me.

A lot of this is coming from missing attention with friends and lack of dating.  There have been a lot of changes in most of my friend’s lives and I just sit there watching on the side lines.  I love them but I am heading in a different direction than eighty five percent of them.  I AM NOT MARRIED NOR PREGNANT AND I DO NOT HAVE KIDS.  NOT TO MENTION I AM NOT A GAY BLACK MALE.  I know you don’t have to have a lot in common with friends but you have to have something.  I’m missing effort from a lot of friends.

Anyway.

Dating.  I don’t feel worthy of a guy.  I just don’t.  I don’t take care of my body and I don’t care how big I get as long as I have food.  I was reading something by Jillian from the Biggest Loser and she was saying that many people do not lose weight because they don’t feel worthy.  It’s said but I have to fake it until I make it.

And I am fun just not the run of the mill fun.  I’m more casual corner in a bookstore and take me to Denny’s fun. 

It’ll all work out in the end.

Eek mini breakdown

Yesterday I was just so hormonal.  I was freaking out about my weight.  I wanted to cry and I did.  It felt like none of my friends understood or understand.  And I have to get over this punishing people thing, because the only person that I punish is myself.  If I keep pushing people away eventually they are going to stay away.   I am battling that with the fact that I don’t think anyone loves me for me.  I want someone to love me for exactly who I am.  Now I am talking romance.  Any who I am a little tired.  Work seems to be dragging today.

For so long all I had is myself.  I had family but they weren’t that supportive.  They could only offer what they offered.  To my mother I will never be good enough.  She has always wanted me to be more than what I am.  A mensa sorority girl who is the life of the party and a cheerleader on the side.  Married by twenty five and having kids while having a stellar career.  I can only be me.

It Happened This Weekend

My weekend was filled with lots of chai tea lattes, which I am ecstatic about.  I had fun and I relaxed. 

Saturday

·         Got up and went to Wal-Mart for a supposed job interview.  This meeting was set up through a friend of a friend.  Human Resources were not there, I let my Career Portfolio.  I am excited about getting a part time job, which means less time to eat and more standing time.

·         After that I went to Target to get my three discs Twilight DVD.  I love going to Target when it first opens.  I love the team huddle and everyone is always so helpful.  Bought more stuff too.  Saw a purse I like but didn’t get it.  Wish I had.

·         Went to San Francisco Coffee shop for the first time.  It was semi crowded for nine in the morning.  The coffee was mediocre; I could have taken more chai.

·         I was running on time for my tutoring session at Avondale High School.  There were a lot of kids there trying to cram extra things in for the high school graduation test.  Going over the book I tended to get upset because some of the language arts things they were testing on were bogus.  Figurative meanings of words are subjective.  And who has studied numerous language to get cognates?  I got one student who was mute, she didn’t want my help and she didn’t want to talk to me.  It was like talking to a brick wall, we were both relieved when she made up an excuse to leave.  I also helped with DBTs (Document Based Testing) for AP World Literature. 

·         I went home and put in my Twilight DVD and fell asleep. 

·         Lounged and ate chocolate brownie cookies, mini pizza, and old Mexican food from the night before.

·         My mother brought me a loose meat sandwich and a French silk blizzard.

 

Sunday

·         I started ceaning my room which will be a monthly process

·         A friend called and I went out with him.  We ate at Shane’s BBQ shack and it was divine.  I thought I could just roll up in the sandwich.  They had me with the sauce, lol.

·         Went to Barnes and Nobles and had to devour the whole Elle Magazine with Reece Witherspoon on the cover.  I bought a chai tea latte with extra chai, which was delicious.

 

 

A Selfish Girl

I always thought that I was not a selfish person but I think I am. In my defense I relate everything back to myself that’s how I learn.

But while I care about people I worry how it will affect me. And I worry and obessess over my own problems.

I just don’t know how to get over myself.